dear bladder,

look...we gotta talk. i feel like we have a good enough relationship that i can just throw this out there. i know you've heard the "it's not you...it's me" line, but this time it IS you. and, this arrangement we've got going on is heading south quickly. it is high time you held up your end of the bargain.

we've been together for 28 years, and we've been through lots of trying times. remember that basketball trip to jackson after too many dr. peppers? remember the road trip to abilene, tx for a tennis match when you held on through the desert? yeah...i was so proud of you. but, you have totally turned into a slacker these days, and i'm about ready to call it off. i know, i know...you've been under lots of pressure lately, but i'm not up for hearing excuses. you have got to learn some self-control, or i'm out of here.

can you seriously not hold more than 5 minutes worth of fluid? do you know how much fun it is to frequent the same bathroom 12 times while i'm out eating? and for the love of pete, could i please sleep more than 1 hour before you wake me up at night? it's getting a little ridiculous.

i realize that there is a kid intruding on your space. but come on, i sleep with a 6'7" guy...i know what your space being intruded on is like. you just have to get over it. i know the kid is punching you, kicking you, and squeezing you...but if you stop antagonzing him, maybe he'll move on to the kidney or the rib. he is and always will be bigger than you, so puh-lease stop annoying him!

at any rate, he will be out of there in 10 or so weeks, and you can have your space back. then, i promise that you will never have to go through this again. so in the meantime, can we please just get along? please? for me?

love, your human