Monday, March 3, 2014

turnabout is fair play

we've all been there.  i happen to think that i have been there way more than anyone else, and i think my husband would agree.  he's always telling me that i have a "redneck" accent.  (he grew up in mississippi, too, so he doesn't really sound like a yankee himself.)  but i've gotten enough stares and enough "where are you from?" questions when we travel to realize that i might sound just a tad bit southern.  and what is the most frustrating thing for a southern person????  well, i'll tell you.  it's those durn automated machines when you call customer service that make you speak your info instead of punching "1 for accounting, 2 for the stock room, etc."  not only do you not get to talk to a person or punch a we have to talk to a machine that has no hope of recognizing what we say.

case in point....

my credit card disappeared in december.  remember that?  yes.  that was a fantastic time of life.  anyway, i had to call a company to put the new credit card on file because they do the automatic renewal thing every year.  i was greeted warmly by the robotic voice of a machine...

machine: "please speak your account number after the beep."
me: "57683921"
machine:  "i'm sorry.  i did not understand that.  please speak your account number after the beep."
me:  "there is no point.  you won't understand anyway."
machine:  "well.  it looks like there is some difficulty understanding you."
me:  "ya think?"
machine:  "please try again.  speak your account number after the beep."
me:  "oh for the love"
machine:  "that is not a valid account number.  please speak your account number after the beep."
me:  "human.  i need a human."
machine:  "let's try one more time.  please speak your account number after the beep."
me:  "i like chocolate."
machine:  "please hold on while i connect you to the nearest customer service representative.  please be aware that this call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes."
me:  "yes.  please monitor it.  and please let everybody hear it so they can see how asinine this whole rigamarole is!!!!!!"

after a few minutes of elevator music, i am greeted warmly by a real, live human.  hallelujah.  that barely speaks english.  why do these people hate me??  we barely made it to the point of me telling her what i wanted before we were both about to come through the phone and strangle each other.  neither of us speaks the native language of the other.  here's a sample....

rep: "noin."
me:  "what?"
rep: "noin."
me:  "i don't know what that is."
rep:  "eees a noombah."
me:  "a what?"
rep:  "oh deeah."
me:  "can you just spell it?"
rep: "N I N E"
me:  "oh.  nine.  ok, i got it."
rep:  "gawt eeet?"
me:  "what?"
rep:  "i duh naught oondastaund."
me:  "hang on.  let me go beat my head against the wall."

seriously.  this went on forever.  and all i wanted to do was put a new credit card on file.  usually i get so frustrated when the machine can't understand me.  but i just thought today was hilarious because finally she knew how i felt!!!

rep:  "daht's eet.  ees der anyding else i can hulp you weeth?"
me:  "oh gosh.  i hope not."
rep:  "i'm soohry?"
me:  "i'm kidding."
rep:  "cood you reepeet daht?"
me:  "no.  let's just end this."
rep:  "eeend?"
me:  "please??"
rep:  "i'm soohry?"
me:  "HAVE.  A.  GOOD.  DAY."

i feel strangely satisfied after that conversation....if you can even call it that.  it's about time those customer service people got a taste of their own medicine!  but hopefully i won't have to call again for another whole year!

1 comment:

Kirk said...

Absolutely hilarious! It's so funny because it is so true. We all can identify and when you've committed to the conversation you can't quit because you have too much time already invested so you carry on this maddening jibberish.
Great piece of writing.