turnabout is fair play

we've all been there.  i happen to think that i have been there way more than anyone else, and i think my husband would agree.  he's always telling me that i have a "redneck" accent.  (he grew up in mississippi, too, so he doesn't really sound like a yankee himself.)  but i've gotten enough stares and enough "where are you from?" questions when we travel to realize that i might sound just a tad bit southern.  and what is the most frustrating thing for a southern person????  well, i'll tell you.  it's those durn automated machines when you call customer service that make you speak your info instead of punching "1 for accounting, 2 for the stock room, etc."  not only do you not get to talk to a person or punch a button....now we have to talk to a machine that has no hope of recognizing what we say.

case in point....

my credit card disappeared in december.  remember that?  yes.  that was a fantastic time of life.  anyway, i had to call a company to put the new credit card on file because they do the automatic renewal thing every year.  i was greeted warmly by the robotic voice of a machine...

machine: "please speak your account number after the beep."
me: "57683921"
machine:  "i'm sorry.  i did not understand that.  please speak your account number after the beep."
me:  "there is no point.  you won't understand anyway."
machine:  "well.  it looks like there is some difficulty understanding you."
me:  "ya think?"
machine:  "please try again.  speak your account number after the beep."
me:  "oh for the love"
machine:  "that is not a valid account number.  please speak your account number after the beep."
me:  "human.  i need a human."
machine:  "let's try one more time.  please speak your account number after the beep."
me:  "i like chocolate."
machine:  "please hold on while i connect you to the nearest customer service representative.  please be aware that this call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes."
me:  "yes.  please monitor it.  and please let everybody hear it so they can see how asinine this whole rigamarole is!!!!!!"

after a few minutes of elevator music, i am greeted warmly by a real, live human.  hallelujah.  that barely speaks english.  why do these people hate me??  we barely made it to the point of me telling her what i wanted before we were both about to come through the phone and strangle each other.  neither of us speaks the native language of the other.  here's a sample....

rep: "noin."
me:  "what?"
rep: "noin."
me:  "i don't know what that is."
rep:  "eees a noombah."
me:  "a what?"
rep:  "oh deeah."
me:  "can you just spell it?"
rep: "N I N E"
me:  "oh.  nine.  ok, i got it."
rep:  "gawt eeet?"
me:  "what?"
rep:  "i duh naught oondastaund."
me:  "hang on.  let me go beat my head against the wall."

seriously.  this went on forever.  and all i wanted to do was put a new credit card on file.  usually i get so frustrated when the machine can't understand me.  but i just thought today was hilarious because finally she knew how i felt!!!

rep:  "daht's eet.  ees der anyding else i can hulp you weeth?"
me:  "oh gosh.  i hope not."
rep:  "i'm soohry?"
me:  "i'm kidding."
rep:  "cood you reepeet daht?"
me:  "no.  let's just end this."
rep:  "eeend?"
me:  "please??"
rep:  "i'm soohry?"
me:  "HAVE.  A.  GOOD.  DAY."

i feel strangely satisfied after that conversation....if you can even call it that.  it's about time those customer service people got a taste of their own medicine!  but hopefully i won't have to call again for another whole year!